Since the last time I had written on here, things seemed to have improved. I found ways to work while the “boyfriend” worked and I was stressing out less. However, I went out of town and did my best to get in touch with him only to feel uneasy. I had a bad dream that he had cheated on me and when I came back to the country he broke things off. At first I wondered why but the words that came out of his mouth “I don’t feel the same way about you anymore” made it feel like I had just been stabbed. I was waiting my turn at the bank and happy to be talking with him after such a long time and because the last time we had spoken while I was away didn’t seem fine. I couldn’t talk so I meant to say that we should pick up the conversation up later but he took it the wrong way and an hour or two later he sent me a text breaking up with me. I was devastated because we had been working so hard and after being sick for most of our relationship I was starting to feel better. I had been depressed and since I was unable to carry those medications with me I had been off of them and feeling better. I was lost as to what had happened but luckily he called me and we made up. Things seemed better to me but apparently not to him. I hate that he told me that his brother didn’t like just because which bugged me since I kind of knew and didn’t see the point of him telling me. Some drama had been happening too and I thought that by this point it was over with. Some guy had been stalking and harassing me to the point that he went after my “boyfriend” and I had no idea. We went to a convention and I was bothered by the fact that my “boyfriend” would get easily upset about who I talked to and felt rejected which made me feel like a horrible person. For him to tell me that another person had confessed her feelings for her and that he shared those feelings too plus what she was saying to him such as “why are you with someone like her?” made me feel upset. I don’t think he understood that and I tried to keep that out of my mind. The thought remained in my mind and it kept bothering me since I kept thinking back to the dream I had had. I was exhausted and stressed over what was going on in the hotel room and broke down crying. I had to step away and came back to not find him. When I did, he was sitting very close to another lady and I felt like I was witnessing him leaving me for someone else. He didn’t even notice me there and ended up leaving the area. He would be nice, then cold, then nice, and then the final day we were there things seemed okay. We talked out some things but things seemed fine. Little by little I realized that things were not okay. He only answered my phone calls and texts a day or two before something we had already planned and on our anniversary things seemed better. I was determined to remove all drama and focus on us but he was already one foot out the door. I kept falling more and more in love with him and failed to see the truth. He was still having a crush on the other one and by now he was telling me things like his mom not liking me, the whole thing about his brother not liking me, his sister finding me annoying despite never really taking the time to get to know me, and his best friend hating me, and how his best friends girlfriend was the jealous type and I wasn’t. I’m not the jealous type and I always believed that he was faithful. I would never cheat on him for a couple of reasons but he seemed to think otherwise. A friend who I’ve always thought of as a little brother to me stopped talking to me over the now ex-boyfriend who did not trust me. I would never cheat on him because I felt safe with him whether he was present or not, I cannot imagine any other guy caressing me or kissing me, I know how it is to be cheated on, and I never wanted to hurt him in any way shape or form. I’m the type of person who prefers to talk things out instead of not talking for days. Lately, I haven’t spoken to many people in order to avoid the questions about him and I. We hung out a couple of times and I’ll admit that I keep wishing that he and I can work things out. However, I’m trying to make myself move on but the heartbreak is too strong. His words and his constant reminder of that crush on the other one are like blows to my stomach and stabs. I can’t get myself to stop loving him or to not like him. He never bothered to hear me out and shuts me out. I saw his sister and while I would have asked if she needed a ride home I opted to leave her at the bus stop after her bus took off. I couldn’t dare to ask my mom to give her a ride after he told me that what she most desired to do to me was to hold me down and pepper-spray me. I felt bad leaving her in the cold rain but I feared for my safety and I don’t think she would have take up the offer. I don’t know why I keep tormenting myself with this. I keep trying to move on but I don’t know how long that will take. How long it will take for me to be comfortable with another guy or if I will ever feel that way again. All previous relationships were not good and it was easier to get over them because of their lies. With him, I became too comfortable and fell in love like never before. This with the things going on with my family and now my health again, I can’t concentrate anymore.