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Lost in Thoughts

Since the last time I had written on here, things seemed to have improved. I found ways to work while the “boyfriend” worked and I was stressing out less. However, I went out of town and did my best to get in touch with him only to feel uneasy. I had a bad dream that he had cheated on me and when I came back to the country he broke things off. At first I wondered why but the words that came out of his mouth “I don’t feel the same way about you anymore” made it feel like I had just been stabbed. I was waiting my turn at the bank and happy to be talking with him after such a long time and because the last time we had spoken while I was away didn’t seem fine. I couldn’t talk so I meant to say that we should pick up the conversation up later but he took it the wrong way and an hour or two later he sent me a text breaking up with me. I was devastated because we had been working so hard and after being sick for most of our relationship I was starting to feel better. I had been depressed and since I was unable to carry those medications with me I had been off of them and feeling better. I was lost as to what had happened but luckily he called me and we made up. Things seemed better to me but apparently not to him. I hate that he told me that his brother didn’t like just because which bugged me since I kind of knew and didn’t see the point of him telling me. Some drama had been happening too and I thought that by this point it was over with. Some guy had been stalking and harassing me to the point that he went after my “boyfriend” and I had no idea. We went to a convention and I was bothered by the fact that my “boyfriend” would get easily upset about who I talked to and felt rejected which made me feel like a horrible person. For him to tell me that another person had confessed her feelings for her and that he shared those feelings too plus what she was saying to him such as “why are you with someone like her?” made me feel upset. I don’t think he understood that and I tried to keep that out of my mind. The thought remained in my mind and it kept bothering me since I kept thinking back to the dream I had had. I was exhausted and stressed over what was going on in the hotel room and broke down crying. I had to step away and came back to not find him. When I did, he was sitting very close to another lady and I felt like I was witnessing him leaving me for someone else. He didn’t even notice me there and ended up leaving the area. He would be nice, then cold, then nice, and then the final day we were there things seemed okay. We talked out some things but things seemed fine. Little by little I realized that things were not okay. He only answered my phone calls and texts a day or two before something we had already planned and on our anniversary things seemed better. I was determined to remove all drama and focus on us but he was already one foot out the door. I kept falling more and more in love with him and failed to see the truth. He was still having a crush on the other one and by now he was telling me things like his mom not liking me, the whole thing about his brother not liking me, his sister finding me annoying despite never really taking the time to get to know me, and his best friend hating me, and how his best friends girlfriend was the jealous type and I wasn’t. I’m not the jealous type and I always believed that he was faithful. I would never cheat on him for a couple of reasons but he seemed to think otherwise. A friend who I’ve always thought of as a little brother to me stopped talking to me over the now ex-boyfriend who did not trust me. I would never cheat on him because I felt safe with him whether he was present or not, I cannot imagine any other guy caressing me or kissing me, I know how it is to be cheated on, and I never wanted to hurt him in any way shape or form. I’m the type of person who prefers to talk things out instead of not talking for days. Lately, I haven’t spoken to many people in order to avoid the questions about him and I. We hung out a couple of times and I’ll admit that I keep wishing that he and I can work things out. However, I’m trying to make myself move on but the heartbreak is too strong. His words and his constant reminder of that crush on the other one are like blows to my stomach and stabs. I can’t get myself to stop loving him or to not like him. He never bothered to hear me out and shuts me out. I saw his sister and while I would have asked if she needed a ride home I opted to leave her at the bus stop after her bus took off. I couldn’t dare to ask my mom to give her a ride after he told me that what she most desired to do to me was to hold me down and pepper-spray me. I felt bad leaving her in the cold rain but I feared for my safety and I don’t think she would have take up the offer. I don’t know why I keep tormenting myself with this. I keep trying to move on but I don’t know how long that will take. How long it will take for me to be comfortable with another guy or if I will ever feel that way again. All previous relationships were not good and it was easier to get over them because of their lies. With him, I became too comfortable and fell in love like never before. This with the things going on with my family and now my health again, I can’t concentrate anymore. 

Falling from the Clouds

One moment I’m happy and the next I can’t seem to catch my breath. I find myself getting lost in a sea of troubles. I try to get up but I keep slipping like some invisible force is pushing me but it’s really just me who cannot get up. I find myself repeating myself and hoping for the result I want…. insanity is what they call it but I don’t want that title.

I’ve been struggling to keep up with all the schoolwork and I can’t get out of whatever this is. So much is happening that I don’t know where to turn anymore. My dad’s company finally gave in and sold the property to the city of Dallas meaning that within two years, we may have to pack up and leave. Not only are we dealing with this but also other stuff. My mom needs back surgery A.S.A.P. and we have no money. Also, no money for school means I may have to look for a job and leave school behind. Someone broke into our house while out puppy was sick and stole the money my mom was saving up for the surgery, my sister’s money for school, my debit card, and my dad’s documents. His identity has been stolen and now we have to deal with legal stuff and it’s impossible to prove his identity despite being able to show that he was working the whole time and has not been out of the country in over three years or so. I can’t seem to find a job despite applying and going on numerous interviews. I’m falling behind in school without even trying and the work just keeps piling up. One of the professors keeps making me change my topic and I can’t deal with it right now. I didn’t even attend class today because I barely got to school on time, had to go get a book from one of the libraries at school, and was about 10 minutes late by the time I made it to the class. As I was making my way to class, I got this sick feeling in my stomach that made me not want to go in and I ran to the restroom. I took off my jacket, put my hair up, and washed my face and neck with the coldest water. Then I drank some water to soothe the sick feeling from my stomach. I went to my next class and left as soon as we were dismissed without putting anything away. I just walked as far as I could to get away from the school building until I reached a bus stop where I would have to board my bus. I’ve had three hours to work on my schoolwork but have only been able to spew out a measly paragraph that barely makes any sense. 

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what is going on in class, like everyone else around me is super smart and knows this large vocabulary. I struggle to just keep up sometimes with what is being said and I feel like everyone else is just more advanced than me. Maybe it’s my background or just me who being stupid. Either way, I feel the pressure to be successful or else I will let down everyone in my family despite not  having everyone’s support to continue with my education.

The doctor prescribed me with medicine to help me sleep and calm my nerves but I don’t want to take it. I get so sleepy that it becomes even more difficult to wake up in the morning. I still have to learn how to drive since I spend most of my morning and afternoon time travelling on shuttle, bus, and train. 

I wonder when I’ll be able to say I’m free to just do anything today. I barely have time to do things for myself let alone see anyone else. Most of the time I just want to find a good hiding place and just get things done. I can’t focus no matter how much I try and everything is becoming a blur. 

Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to stay afloat on those clouds and just enjoy the view.

Unhappy

So much is going on. I was beginning to think that my plans were good until recently. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m tired of having to rely on certain people. I got upset about my dad not wanting to teach me how to drive or Spanish. He doesn’t agree with me going to school and that does stress me out. My mom barely makes any money at her work and I can’t find employment after being let go by the company. My IRS information doesn’t match up according to FAFSA, I’m under investigation by the IRS, on verification, and on top of that I lost a scholarship due to the IRS not letting my tax information available to the school and FAFSA. 

Then there’s the boyfriend whom I’ve grown to care about a lot more than I wanted to. He annoys me so much because he wants to constantly be in contact with me but he always tries to help me out. At the same time I feel like I’m being treated like I’m his property. I’m not allowed to see friends he doesn’t approve off, I can’t make new friends, I can’t do anything without him knowing. I’m having to take medications that make me super tired and now with a hurt wrist I can’t sleep because of the pain. He makes plans without letting me know and sometimes I get upset because he doesn’t seem to care about what I have to do. It’s like he’s caring but possessive to the point that I am stressing out. I stopped taking medications because he insists on me calling him before going to sleep and then it takes an hour or more to convince him that I’m hanging up.

I can’t understand how I keep finding these same type of guys who become so possessive. I would never cheat on anyone and yet I end up being cheated on. He hasn’t cheated and I hope he doesn’t. At the same time I kind of hope he breaks it off because every time I break it off he goes on and tells everyone everything that happened. He tries to convince others to talk me out of the breakup. ends up calling and texting me more than usual, gets his friends to call me to convince me to stay with him, shows up at my door, and cries. This only makes me feel like I’m a horrible person for making him cry.

Right now everything is such a mess. It’s taking for ever to graduate and get my bachelors degree and with almost no financial aid most years, I’m becoming more discouraged. I can’t find a job no matter how many places I apply at or how many interviews I go on. I can barely keep up with the medical bills. The visits to the oncologist are becoming more and more expensive since the insurance policy was changed at my mom’s workplace and I’m drowning in debt. All the money I had saved up for an emergency from when I was working went to school and now I can’t handle the bills anymore. I’m thinking of just quitting the medications and not going to my next appointments. The wrist injury is making things worse for me when I go to the interviews.

I just wish someone would give me a job sometime soon. I’m tired of all of this and not being able to do much anymore.

Argh!

Some girl almost hit us today on the road. I tried to report her for road rage,endangerment to a child, illegal U-Turn, speeding, and passing a red light but I accidentally submitted one wrong letter in the license plate. Fortunately, I was able to get a picture of the licence plate to check again. Thank you T-Mobile!!! I love that my phone can take multiple photos in seconds which helped a lot in getting the correct plate number. Anyways… the Texas licence plate number is CC9 H435. Seriously, you don’t do that kind of stuff when there are cars who have the right to pass at that time. We were at crossings/intersections and we had the signal to turn right when the girl and I call her girl due to the way she acted by using profanity and flicking us off. Anyways.. she decided that she should make a U-turn where there is a sign that has a No U Turn sign. She not only almost hit us but the car behind too. She made the little girl we were caring for cry. I’m starting to get tired of people doing stuff like this so I took pictures and this was the clearest one.

Cleaning ideas…. for my room.

I’ve been sleeping a lot this week and now I’m tired from it. I decided to take up cleaning my room once again. This time I decided to look for help on the web. I actually found a helpful video. I liked the way the girl came up with steps and it’s actually helpful. A bit similar to what I had in my mind but more organized. I decided to not follow all of her steps exactly the way she instructed.

1. Gather all clothing

`I separated my jeans and washed the good pairs only. The others will be used for projects or washed and fixed later. 

`Since it’s winter… I will gather all sweaters, jackets, gloves, hats, and scarves. These will be washed and will remain by my door.

`All the rest of the clothes will be separated into good and bad condition piles.    “The ones in good condition will be separated into what I still plan on wearing and donations. I think my mom and sister will probably take some of the clothing for themselves.                                                                                           “`Those is bad condition will have to go to the trash

2. Personal items

`This includes perfumes, lotions, make-up, personal hygiene items. These will be stored in a bag or a box by my bed.

3. Books and notebooks.

`Since I cannot reach my bookshelf, these will be placed in temporary storage boxes. 

`Papers will be looked through and those that have personal information but are not needed will be put in water, blended, and made into new paper for projects.

`Newspapers will have to be discarded. Despite the many Harry Potter and other favorite articles… these will have to go since they take up space. I have a puppy so they will be used to keep the floor from getting dirty.

4. Recycling 

`Plastic bottles and paper such as flyers from random places will be recycled.

5. I will post more if anything else comes up.

So far, this is my plan. So since I’m on winter break. I thought I’d give this a try.

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