One moment I’m happy and the next I can’t seem to catch my breath. I find myself getting lost in a sea of troubles. I try to get up but I keep slipping like some invisible force is pushing me but it’s really just me who cannot get up. I find myself repeating myself and hoping for the result I want…. insanity is what they call it but I don’t want that title.

I’ve been struggling to keep up with all the schoolwork and I can’t get out of whatever this is. So much is happening that I don’t know where to turn anymore. My dad’s company finally gave in and sold the property to the city of Dallas meaning that within two years, we may have to pack up and leave. Not only are we dealing with this but also other stuff. My mom needs back surgery A.S.A.P. and we have no money. Also, no money for school means I may have to look for a job and leave school behind. Someone broke into our house while out puppy was sick and stole the money my mom was saving up for the surgery, my sister’s money for school, my debit card, and my dad’s documents. His identity has been stolen and now we have to deal with legal stuff and it’s impossible to prove his identity despite being able to show that he was working the whole time and has not been out of the country in over three years or so. I can’t seem to find a job despite applying and going on numerous interviews. I’m falling behind in school without even trying and the work just keeps piling up. One of the professors keeps making me change my topic and I can’t deal with it right now. I didn’t even attend class today because I barely got to school on time, had to go get a book from one of the libraries at school, and was about 10 minutes late by the time I made it to the class. As I was making my way to class, I got this sick feeling in my stomach that made me not want to go in and I ran to the restroom. I took off my jacket, put my hair up, and washed my face and neck with the coldest water. Then I drank some water to soothe the sick feeling from my stomach. I went to my next class and left as soon as we were dismissed without putting anything away. I just walked as far as I could to get away from the school building until I reached a bus stop where I would have to board my bus. I’ve had three hours to work on my schoolwork but have only been able to spew out a measly paragraph that barely makes any sense. 

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what is going on in class, like everyone else around me is super smart and knows this large vocabulary. I struggle to just keep up sometimes with what is being said and I feel like everyone else is just more advanced than me. Maybe it’s my background or just me who being stupid. Either way, I feel the pressure to be successful or else I will let down everyone in my family despite not  having everyone’s support to continue with my education.

The doctor prescribed me with medicine to help me sleep and calm my nerves but I don’t want to take it. I get so sleepy that it becomes even more difficult to wake up in the morning. I still have to learn how to drive since I spend most of my morning and afternoon time travelling on shuttle, bus, and train. 

I wonder when I’ll be able to say I’m free to just do anything today. I barely have time to do things for myself let alone see anyone else. Most of the time I just want to find a good hiding place and just get things done. I can’t focus no matter how much I try and everything is becoming a blur. 

Maybe one day soon I’ll be able to stay afloat on those clouds and just enjoy the view.

So much is going on. I was beginning to think that my plans were good until recently. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m tired of having to rely on certain people. I got upset about my dad not wanting to teach me how to drive or Spanish. He doesn’t agree with me going to school and that does stress me out. My mom barely makes any money at her work and I can’t find employment after being let go by the company. My IRS information doesn’t match up according to FAFSA, I’m under investigation by the IRS, on verification, and on top of that I lost a scholarship due to the IRS not letting my tax information available to the school and FAFSA. 

Then there’s the boyfriend whom I’ve grown to care about a lot more than I wanted to. He annoys me so much because he wants to constantly be in contact with me but he always tries to help me out. At the same time I feel like I’m being treated like I’m his property. I’m not allowed to see friends he doesn’t approve off, I can’t make new friends, I can’t do anything without him knowing. I’m having to take medications that make me super tired and now with a hurt wrist I can’t sleep because of the pain. He makes plans without letting me know and sometimes I get upset because he doesn’t seem to care about what I have to do. It’s like he’s caring but possessive to the point that I am stressing out. I stopped taking medications because he insists on me calling him before going to sleep and then it takes an hour or more to convince him that I’m hanging up.

I can’t understand how I keep finding these same type of guys who become so possessive. I would never cheat on anyone and yet I end up being cheated on. He hasn’t cheated and I hope he doesn’t. At the same time I kind of hope he breaks it off because every time I break it off he goes on and tells everyone everything that happened. He tries to convince others to talk me out of the breakup. ends up calling and texting me more than usual, gets his friends to call me to convince me to stay with him, shows up at my door, and cries. This only makes me feel like I’m a horrible person for making him cry.

Right now everything is such a mess. It’s taking for ever to graduate and get my bachelors degree and with almost no financial aid most years, I’m becoming more discouraged. I can’t find a job no matter how many places I apply at or how many interviews I go on. I can barely keep up with the medical bills. The visits to the oncologist are becoming more and more expensive since the insurance policy was changed at my mom’s workplace and I’m drowning in debt. All the money I had saved up for an emergency from when I was working went to school and now I can’t handle the bills anymore. I’m thinking of just quitting the medications and not going to my next appointments. The wrist injury is making things worse for me when I go to the interviews.

I just wish someone would give me a job sometime soon. I’m tired of all of this and not being able to do much anymore.

Some girl almost hit us today on the road. I tried to report her for road rage,endangerment to a child, illegal U-Turn, speeding, and passing a red light but I accidentally submitted one wrong letter in the license plate. Fortunately, I was able to get a picture of the licence plate to check again. Thank you T-Mobile!!! I love that my phone can take multiple photos in seconds which helped a lot in getting the correct plate number. Anyways… the Texas licence plate number is CC9 H435. Seriously, you don’t do that kind of stuff when there are cars who have the right to pass at that time. We were at crossings/intersections and we had the signal to turn right when the girl and I call her girl due to the way she acted by using profanity and flicking us off. Anyways.. she decided that she should make a U-turn where there is a sign that has a No U Turn sign. She not only almost hit us but the car behind too. She made the little girl we were caring for cry. I’m starting to get tired of people doing stuff like this so I took pictures and this was the clearest one.

I’ve been sleeping a lot this week and now I’m tired from it. I decided to take up cleaning my room once again. This time I decided to look for help on the web. I actually found a helpful video. I liked the way the girl came up with steps and it’s actually helpful. A bit similar to what I had in my mind but more organized. I decided to not follow all of her steps exactly the way she instructed.

1. Gather all clothing

`I separated my jeans and washed the good pairs only. The others will be used for projects or washed and fixed later. 

`Since it’s winter… I will gather all sweaters, jackets, gloves, hats, and scarves. These will be washed and will remain by my door.

`All the rest of the clothes will be separated into good and bad condition piles.    “The ones in good condition will be separated into what I still plan on wearing and donations. I think my mom and sister will probably take some of the clothing for themselves.                                                                                           “`Those is bad condition will have to go to the trash

2. Personal items

`This includes perfumes, lotions, make-up, personal hygiene items. These will be stored in a bag or a box by my bed.

3. Books and notebooks.

`Since I cannot reach my bookshelf, these will be placed in temporary storage boxes. 

`Papers will be looked through and those that have personal information but are not needed will be put in water, blended, and made into new paper for projects.

`Newspapers will have to be discarded. Despite the many Harry Potter and other favorite articles… these will have to go since they take up space. I have a puppy so they will be used to keep the floor from getting dirty.

4. Recycling 

`Plastic bottles and paper such as flyers from random places will be recycled.

5. I will post more if anything else comes up.

So far, this is my plan. So since I’m on winter break. I thought I’d give this a try.

This whole week I’ve been crying almost every day. The doctor had been making a big deal about my health and it turns out that she had been making me take all those blood tests to make sure something wasn’t wrong. I did question it but then again I didn’t think much of it. Since July, she has been having me get all this blood work done. My white blood cell is high but stable and two other things were high too which means either leukemia or lymphoma. My iron levels are really low which sucks because it was getting to a normal level a couple of months ago. Basically, I have to see an oncologist and a hematologist. At first I was in shock and wanted to laugh it off but when the words came out of my mouth as I told my boyfriend it all became real. I broke down crying that I didn’t want to eat or talk to any one for a couple of days. When my dad found out, he hugged me. My mom just tried joking around and my sister cried. My brother had tears in his eyes but didn’t cry. I kind of wonder whether pets can tell when something is wrong. My cat had me chase after him into his little personal spot where he doesn’t like anyone following him to. He let me play with him for a little bit which is something he never lets anyone else do. I feel bad because he(boyfriend) has been there for me and is probably just as scared. I’m hoping that this is all just a bad dream or a misdiagnosis but the doctor said that all my symptoms and test point to it. This weeks I’ll have an answer as to where I am to go in for my first few appointments, then more tests will be done, followed by treatment options, and so on and so forth. I’m hoping it’s all some fluke or weird thing my body is going through and that it’s not that.

So many crazy things have happened since the last time I updated my tumblr. I’m dating an amazing guy that I never would’ve imagined I’d be with… if that makes any sense. Was involved in a car crash, burst something in my throat and tonsils that caused internal bleeding, had so many crazy things happen on the bus and train rides to and from school. The internal bleeding led to a doctor making a big deal and thinking that I may have TB but it turns out I don’t. Two cats crossed my path but I think they brought me some luck. Yeah, see what I mean. Other than that I think the good things have balanced it out. Oh, my birthday and now day of the dead passed.

I’ll update a bit more. Doing somewhat better. The bleeding has stopped but I have to get my red blood count up. My anemia worsened because of it. School is so and so since I had to drop my Spanish class and I’m worried about two classes. I’m hardly getting any sleep and then end up falling asleep on the train ride to and from school. I got a new puppy!!! Yay!!! She’s three weeks old, white as snow, very cute and she’s mixed. She’s a German Shepherd and Pitbull mix. My awesome friend got married on my birthday :D. 

(Verse)
How many times are we gonna do this. 
It’s the same old story no new twist.
And we cant rewrite the past. 
Once the words are spoken you cant take them back,. 
Think weve given this love one too many tries. 
Think its time we face the truth and realize

(Chorus)
Ashes and embers are all that remain. 
Cant take that bridge back it went up in flames 
Nothing left to build on we can never be the same in ashes and embers

Note: I first heard the song on an episode of the television series called Charmed on the episode by the name of Used Karma on Season 6 either episode 12 or 13. It’s not on the soundtrack and I’ve searched on Google, YouTube, and used Shazam but nothing pops up.